Writing as an Act of Faith

Five years and nearly two months ago, I finished the first draft of my novel. I documented what it took to get there here. (Thank goodness, as it feels like a million years ago.) This month, it was finally ready for my critique partners.

As I reflect on this latest milestone, I realize that writing this novel has been the biggest act of faith I’ve ever taken on. If I was to make a logical choice, it would be to focus solely on my business. The one I own. The one that bills by the hour. The one that includes clear KPIs and definitive deadlines.

But when my husband and I boarded an airplane together for one of the first times since the pandemic (I am a worst case scenario thinker), the loudest voice in my head was yelling that if this thing went down, my book would go down with it. On the one hand – great. One single manageable regret. But on the other hand – wow. I truly feel called to do this thing, and so much is out of my control.

Over the ocean, on that plane, I came to a deep knowing that doing my best work and just finishing the book would be a success. I would have done what I could do. It would be, to some degree, up to the universe. And that ‘zen’ place I’d tried to force through a move and a pandemic and countless unfinished drafts had arrived. (So had we, safely. Since I’m writing this, that’s probably obvious.)

The Neuroscience of Spirituality

My drive to finish the book coupled with a deep knowing that it had to be done brings me to my current read.

In The Awakened Brain, Dr. Lisa Miller describes how spirituality is literally wired into the human brain. (It’s a fascinating read, and may be part of the solution to addressing increasing rates of anxiety and depression.) As part of that work, functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) studies have illuminated two modes of awareness available to all of us: achieving awareness and awakened awareness.

Achieving awareness is “the perception that our purpose is to organize and control our lives.” Basically, “How can I get and keep what I want?” It’s good and necessary – it helps us identify a goal and give us the focused attention and commitment to achieve it. But, when overused, it can carve pathways of depression, anxiety, stress and craving. Miller says it beautifully, “When out of balance, achieving awareness is narrowly focused, unguided by the bigger picture, obsessed with the same track or idea, never satisfied, and often lonely and isolated.” Sound familiar, writers?

Awakened awareness helps us literally see more by integrating multiple sources of perception (outside of our own heads) and using different parts of our brain. From Miller, “awakened awareness allows us to perceive more choices and opportunities available to us, feel more connected with others, understand the relationships between events in our lives, be more open to creative leaps and insights, and feel more in tune with our life’s purpose and meaning.” Also sound familiar, writers?

When I write for companies, I am the conduit between their desired communications goals and their audiences. My process includes packing my brain full of as much research and knowledge as I can, and then turning my attention from all that and writing from a place of intuition and empathy. Without knowing the names for the two ways of seeing, I have always combined achieving and awakened awareness in my daily work.

But in writing a novel, my achieving awareness took over. I understand why. It was a big goal. It required a lot of focus and a ton of effort. But I needed my awakened awareness to make the connections that made the book resonant. It also perceived the shiny pebbles along the path that made me trust I was moving in the right direction, even when I felt utterly lost.

It feels intuitive that our strongest writing combines both achieving and awakened awareness. Which makes the act of writing a real gift in how we see and move through the world.

Achieving and Awakened Awareness

The Awakened Brain makes the case that our brains are literally wired for spirituality, a capacity that can protect us from anxiety, depression and substance abuse by equipping us to deal with the suffering we, as humans, will experience. Moving through the world using both our achieving and awakened awareness allows us to “make full use of the neural capacities that support our greatest health.”

My achieving awareness was psyched that I reached this milestone. My awakened awareness was psyched to look back and see the path leading me to here. These are some of the shiny pebbles my awakened awareness recognized:

2015

In a picture book class, a fellow writer tells me I have a voice for YA. I start thinking about what story I would tell if I was to write a YA. I start writing scenes.

2016

At a novel workshop, insightful advice helps me solve a narrative problem that unlocks a lived experience and illuminates a possible narrative path.

2017

(I spend a year perfecting a picture book. It goes nowhere. )

2018

I go to a church retreat to re-feel all the awkwardness I need to channel into this book. (We’ll come back to this.)

My work-in-progress wins the SCBWI Austin Conference’s annual mentorship. I am guided kindly and thoughtfully through the writing of my first draft.

2019

I return to the church retreat I so awkwardly attended the year before. The women, now friends, support me immeasurably – with both space and love. I finish the first draft.

(Editor who expressed interest doesn’t respond. I keep revising.)

2020

(Pandemic. Moving. Upheaval. Little progress.)

2021

I meet a Texan through SCBWI in the Carolinas. She introduces me to my new band of writing friends.

Full circle moment, I invest in Elana K. Arnold’s Revision Season. Elana nominated my project for the mentorship award back in 2018.

My pages earn positive feedback at the virtual SCBWI Carolinas conference.

2022

My pitch receives incredibly positive response and opens 5 doors at the SCBWI Carolinas conference.

I take myself on a writing getaway in the Carolinas and am reconnected with my Austin church retreat friends there.

I submit a micro fiction story, Spinning, for the SCBWI Carolinas Ignite the Spark anthology. It is based on my book’s love interest.

2023

Spinning is published in the anthology!

I awkwardly attend a church retreat in North Carolina and meet another group of supportive women.

I keep revising. I set a goal for the end of March, 2024.

2024

January: I start over.

February: I get sick, and have to cancel a weekend trip. Instead, I write steadily.

My husband leaves for a weekend trip, freeing up another weekend for steady writing.

April: I finish, and submit to my critique partners – including one of those new writer friends I met along the journey.