Panic! at the Dance Class
All of a sudden, I am in the front row, with no one in front of me to watch, doing choreography we’ve just learned, and my reaction is not…to shine. Nope. I sit down on the floor, in the middle of the dance, music still going, and have the closest I come to a panic attack. I do not cry, but I think about crying. I laugh manically instead.
This is not the first time my stress reaction has been to sit down and give up. Skiing with my mother-in-law, I once ended up on a blue/black run. It was steep, I was terrified, and I ended up scooting down that run on my butt, tears freezing to my cheeks. My MIL was so kind and encouraging and patient, and this week, my fellow dancers were too. They thought I’d injured myself! They were relieved!
But in the case of the dance class, my fear, fueled by my perfectionism, interrupted a moment we were having together. It disrupted others’ chance to feel light and weightless and free. I brought us all back down, literally, to earth. The music stopped.
That’s not the person I want to be.
I admire people who have worked to achieve. Who are brave enough to be ‘bad’ at something. Who are light-hearted about learning. Who laugh at themselves. Too often, that’s not me. I am the person for whom most things come easily. Who assumes that if I was supposed to be doing a thing, it shouldn’t be too hard. Who thinks I should learn quickly - ideally immediately. I am the person who is still working on learning how to learn.
My dance teacher pulled me aside and told me a personal story about how she used to stay in the back of the room, how manageable fear is a good thing and gives us opportunities to activate neural pathways and grow. She’s right. I don’t have a quick way to sum this all up. It is definitely a work in progress. But I will keep going back to dance, and being slow at learning choreography, and practicing doing things I don’t feel 100% ready to show in front of people who care about me.
And all I can say if you’re a fellow perfectionist to whom this resonates, try being ‘bad’ at something - anything! - for a change. And all the better if it puts you in contact with people who can help you glean life lessons from a mini meltdown.
